Most of us can hear the echoes of our parents, teachers, mentors, and coaches long after they pass from a position of great influence in our lives. This is natural and can be a good thing, or not. Not because sometimes we mimic what we've been exposed to and this is how bad habits become our normal M.O.
Years ago I had a business partner and both being strong personalities we often clashed on what course to take with clients. This set up frequent debates that would often leave me irritated and confused. I didn't mind the conflict, I relished it, but there was something about these exchanges that felt more coercive than persuasive. I started keeping a list of the terms that triggered this dynamic and found them used over and over in our conversations.
I eventually dissolved the partnership and while this list of mine was not the main factor it certainly created a less than congenial relationship that contributed to the split and made it easier. As the old saying about change goes, we change when the pain of not changing is greater than that of changing and that's exactly what happened. Once I'd moved on I had to laugh at how nice it was not to deal with this dynamic.
The words on my list with the scores next to each for usage counts? You need to, you better, you have to, you ought to, you must, you should. Innocuous enough, right? But try this on for size. An associate at work says you need to pay more attention to his project. What does your brain say non-verbally? In most people there's a bit of a rebellion going on. Really? I need to? I don't think so, bucko!
So you run into a friend whose been to a new, hot restaurant which you haven't been to yet. You should go to this place! Feel that? You should go? It almost sets up a "I couldn't care less" attitude. Of course, personalities vary and some people are perfectly comfortable with letting others dictate what they should do. But most of us are independent, self directed people.
So what do we replace these terms with when talking to ourselves (most important, real power shift takes place here, you no longer "need" to do something, you "want" to do something), our children, our employees, our mates (change the terms, change the dynamic, get your way more often), our customers and prospective customers? Simple. Try "you might want to" do something, "you might want to consider" something.
This is especially effective with teenagers and prospects, two groups ready to rebel or play devil's advocate at a moment's notice. "You might want to consider driving a little more carefully or your license might end up in jeopardy or at the very least your insurance might go up." That's friend to friend, not superior to inferior like this: "You need to shape up your driving. You better watch it or you're going to lose your license!" Whole different tone.
And with a prospect, "You need to move to the cloud!" Is just not going to get the same fair hearing that, "You might want to consider exploring the cloud, it might be something of value to you," will. The key is to present for consideration, not try to force something which almost always has a car lot negotiation feel to it. That's why we avoid car lots.
This is not to say that the aforementioned terms are not to be used, not at all. They're perfectly appropriate at times, without question. But when it comes to persuading someone to our point of view, you might want to consider leaving them out of the conversation. And when you do this with yourself, you shift the power from some unseen authority saying you "need" to get up and get to work you're now saying yourself that you "want" to get up and get to work.
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